


Season Review

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [90]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bondage, Coming Out, Confused Derek, Crack, Drabble, Dubious Consent, F/M, Hallucinations, Humor, M/M, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 10:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1546988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I feel like there was a lot of confusion about how much of the episode/season was in Derek’s head. Maybe it was just me. I am very good at denial.</p><p>Reaction to the 3B Finale</p>
            </blockquote>





	Season Review

**Kate:**  Let me get this straight. You hallucinated a whole 8-hour melodrama about the teenagers you hang out with, while I was stabbing you?

 **Derek:**  I guess. I mean, have you ever heard of Oni? I’m pretty sure evil smoke ninjas aren’t real.

 **Kate:**  Isn’t ‘Oni’ that sushi place on 4th?

 **Derek:**  I was kinda hungry before you stabbed me. So that, and all the ‘insatiable’ stuff makes sense. Plus, I’m super craving sushi. And pizza. Maybe together.

 **Kate:**  Yeah. Those sound really good. Maybe I’ll order some after I’m done torturing you.

 **Derek:**  But what about Weird Bandage Dude?

 **Kate:**  ‘Bandage’ sounds a lot like ‘bondage.’ Just saying.

 **Derek:**  Yeah…..

 **Kate:**  Want me to tighten the chains?

 **Derek:** Just on my arms, thanks. And maybe if you’ve got a vibrator…?

 **Kate:**  Got it.

 **Derek:**  Wait. What about Scott’s strange relationship problems? I really don’t care about Scott’s relationships. Why would I hallucinate that?

 **Kate:**  Well, they are also Isaac’s problems, and he was your beta for a while…

 **Derek:**  Oh My God! He is always telling me about his relationship problems! I remember thinking ‘they should have a threesome. Or one of them should move on so the other two can comfort each other.’ BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT. JESUS CHRIST.

 **Kate:**  Yeah. Well. I think we should move on to more pressing problems. Why did you have Stiles graphically make out with two different chicks?

 **Derek:**  I…well…

 **Kate:**  And that whole conversation about his bisexuality? Do you think you could be struggling with your own sexuality? Or your attraction to him?

 **Derek:**  What?!?  Of course not! I’m not…

 **Kate:**  Gay? I dunno, you spent an awful long time obsessing about Stiles. I mean, you made him the Big Bad. Could that have anything to do with your struggle not to see him in a sexual light? Maybe he was the bad guy because you don’t want to acknowledge your own gayness? And he’s the person who makes you feel all these gay feelings?

 **Derek:**  I told you! I’m not—

 **Kate:**  Derek. Honey. You know that the first time I took off my shirt you hid from my ‘gelatinous chest monsters,’ right?

 **Derek:**  That’s ‘cause Laura liked playing vaguely incestuous practical jokes.

 **Kate:**  Fine. Why don’t we do a quick test. How does this photograph of a penis make you feel.

…

 **Derek:**  … I feel nothing? Um. Nah. Not attracted. Does it have a cute little mole on it’s….I mean. Ew. that’s gross! Moles are gross. And it’s way too big to be comfortable…anywhere. I mean, there would have to be a lot of stretching. And um. Stuff. Probably with fingers, then maybe a toy. One that vibrated so it could…you know. And other stuff. So yeah. Gross.

 **Kate:**  That would be more convincing if you a) had pants on, or b) didn’t have a raging hard on.

 **Derek:**  Whatever. I like the bondage. Not the weird XXL moley penis.

 **Kate:**  Yeah. Whatever. I think you should just acknowledge your feelings for the kid.

 **Derek:**  What feelings?

 **Kate:**  Feelings of wanting to fuck him, Derek. Or be fucked, if the vibrator and weird stretching fixation are any indication.

 **Derek:**  I would never…!

 **Kate:**  You even made one of the girls he made out with into a Hale. Is she supposed to be a stand-in for you?

 **Derek:**  Of course not! Stiles is underage, and the author hates when she has to tag for that. So I couldn’t even if I…

 **Kate:**  Ah. That’s what my brother was doing in there. He’s an age appropriate substitute, isn’t he?

 **Derek:**  Nah. He’s just hot.

 **Kate:**  Fair. But also age appropriate.

 **Derek:**  Fine. But I  _would_  totally do him.

 **Kate:**  So how’s that straight thing going?

 **Derek:**  Whatever. Who wouldn’t do Chris Argent?

 **Kate:**  A straight man, Derek. A straight man.

 **Derek:**  Ok. I acknowledge that I may like penises. And occasionally shirtless dudes. And stubble. Stubble is pretty awesome.

 **Kate:**  I’m glad we had this breakthrough. And this has been fun, but I should probably get back to my dastardly plot.

 **Derek:**  I mean, the vibrator is still on. That’s pretty dastardly.

 **Kate:**  Oh, you love it, you little bottom boy. Man, I thought I was gonna have to work on corrupting you, but now I don’t think I’ll have to. I just have to set you free to go have kinky sex with your underage boyfriend.

 **Derek:**  No! I can’t! The author doesn’t like having to tag for underage!

 **Kate:**  Well, she’ll just have to. Muah ha ha!! Why do you think they call me a villain? Go forth and find little definitely-seventeen-year-old Stiles. Then do unspeakable, villainous things to his tight, innocent little—

 **Author:**  —I think we’ll stop right there. It’s not underage if its pre-slash, right?

 **Derek:**  Plus? I’m pretty sure we established that I would be the bottom in that relationship.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


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